Life in the eyes of a… well me

Well, it took a while but I thought I should revisit this blog, I’m not going to keep going on it. But… well the stuff in here is a big part of my life. The sad part is it seems to be getting more than my new one.

So those of you who still view this one, or who’ve randomly come across this one, try going to dreamthenewdream.wordpress.com

I update it wayyy more, but more importantly, I’m not down on myself like this one got.

So Walk This Way,

And Dream On, because there’s always a new dream

Dom

Leave any comment you friggin’ want.

This blog is now officially dead

Just like the Dream

Last song for you: Don’t Fear the Reaper, Blue Oyster Cult

Because i played this when I was afraid something was going to die, now that it has, I play it again.

For the last time,

Dom

Alright, good news. I’ve finally decided to look at other girls again. I also realizes some of the messes with Supergirl. It’s not her, more the issues I’ve been blind to. I’m starting to like someone else, but I’m not saying who.

All I can say is I can scrap She’s Always a woman to me and Just the way you are both by Billy Joel, and not feel regret for doing so. I believe I’ve said something like this before, but… well I’m going to try as hard as I can to make sure i don’t have issues anymore in that category, i really just need to stay away, I do better when I’m not around. Maybe in the summer, MAYBE, I’ll probably just hang around her parents more than anything, I like them as seperate people, not just Supergirl’s family.

I still have doubts, everyone has doubts on things, but I’m letting them get to me, I need a slap in the face every so often (or more). If anyone wants to provide today’s go ahead.

No one ask about the following, it’s just a rant that I need to say so it feels like I’m getting it out. Everyone has doubts, these are just some of mine that need to be voiced.

But it’s just soo confusing, first one thing happens, you have to redo your life or so you say, and then you do something else. I don’t get the new you, and so far the old you seemed to do less damage. I mean what the new you did was just plain stupid, even if i don’t know all of it. If you didn’t want to be a hypocrite then don’t do THAT. If you would have yelled at me, told me you don’t care, or something before that. I might not have cared.

 Maybe it’s me, I know I’m torturing myself. But now it seems like your trying to go out of you way to prove that your a ****h, which your not. You’re just making a bigger mess and hoping it cancels out the first one to me. I am killing myself emotionally here. That’s my fault.

Like Conner, I seem to be on the verge of tears for this.

Half of me is accepting the fact that us, we are over. But another half…. can someone kill it please. I’m usually the one helping other people. What happens when the helper needs help? I dare to consider myself even a sliver better than most people, I’m acutally worse. I can’t get over a single event. I’ve done it before but they’ve all made it clear they don’t care.

All i know is that when this newer you is gone the better, because right now she’s very very stupid. I mean you even hinted at this stuff, I’d prefer it if you dated because if that is your idea of fun. I don’t know you anymore. Jiminey Cricket, I hate the thought of being so depressed and such like this. But I’m doing it. I have a feeling that “i will just… have some fun.” ment you where planning this from that day, and of course there’s the opposite feeling, but that does suggest something. Again, the new you… happy now? You’ve actually created an illusion of what you DIDN’T want people to see.  I love you, how and why?, i don’t know why, but as a friend I would ask anyone, “What the hell where you thinking?”, but please wake up from this. You want to know what my motive is? My motive is to be able to be your friend, somewhere in your life after this, i don’t know how this stupid thing effects that, but… well, i say again like above, it was stupid of you, if your friends convinced you to do that, they’re not your friends, they just want whatever kicks they can get from you before they move on to someone else, If you want to be like that, then your friends are fitting. If not, then why do you hang around them? You have to be blunt to someone in this, i don’t care who it is, even if it’s me. It will at least get my emotional baggage off of you.

Someone just help. I don’t think i can get up from this one.

Today: 1st period, shit happened. 2nd period, we read the weirdest story about a zhen buddhist who apparently died or something, was kind of sad and yet calm at the same time…weird. 3rd period, boring… some music, processing the shit. Lunch, actually good, same as yesterday. 4th period: Movie about eisenhower, was really good, still processing shit… Now i have to sleep after ranting this emo shit. I don’t want to go to sleep, i know i won’t be able to.

I really really want to talk to Aubrey right now but she’s not online, and i don’t want to worry her about this, it’s just that she knows how I feel, having felt it herself.

Best part about today: Lunch, same as last time.

Worst Part about Today: guess

Dream on? Get real, the dream is dead, they’re just a bunch of empty notes being played on a record.

Dom

That’s the quesiton i decided to try to answer today, what is love? I realized I can’t because only those who have experienced it know it risks a lot of pain ( if it’s a romantic love), and what it feels like before that pain if it does come.

But We can break love into two different categories, Family( or friendship) love, and Romantic love.

First let’s deal with the easier one, the love of family and friends, as human beings we have a paternal or maternal instinct for our children so we take care of them and we do love them, or care for them deeply. siblings grow to care for each other because they’re stuck with one another, and that usually means some binding moment, very easily.

The Love between friends comes from a want not to be alone, or to be an outcast. Humanity is a social species, so we stick to those who are kind to us, though they may not share our views, they can certainly influence them. We stick to those friends unless the move of family or an event that breaks the bond forces us apart.

Romantic love can evolve from the love between friends, ( and sometimes vice-versa), or it can just be there. I comes from the same want to not be alone, along with either the biological need to reproduce, or just plain romantic feelings. You stick to these people even closer than your friends, sometimes romantic love can break the bond of the love of a friend.

What’s the difference between those two? THAT is a question alot of people might like to answer, it’s a feeling you have to decide for yourself. And one I’m stuggling with, there are a total about three or four people i could see spending the rest of my life with, but i think a few of them are only because we’re such good friends that we’ll spend eternity together as friends and not really as husband and wife or anything.

I will admit, coming to this realization makes one seem lonely, although  it clears up certain things about what I want, I want to be done with teenage years and meddling around with feelings, all that does is hurt me. I want to move on and get a career, and have a family, because it’s something new, and i hate the position I am in right now.

Speaking of which I was talking to a friend about kids, and we both love kids, and the weird part is, that we both, if we could, would have kids now if we had the time and cashflow (Though not neccisarily with each other.) For now, the work in progress is Debate, i hope they find a new coach, i don’t want it to die out like this.

I also know what I want in a girl. I want her to be honest with me, be faithful, and tell me her feelings. I want to be able to sit anywhere and talk and not have her have the feelings like the situation is akward or like she has to hide anything from her. I want her to be independent enough she doesn’t have to sit at home (if we get married) if she doesn’t want to, or in the case of school, i don’t want her to have to feel like I’m going to leave her if someone she thinks is prettier walks by or takes interest in me.
     If i have a problem or anything, i would want her to be able to smile about my problem and tell me that it’s okay, as long as we have each other. I would want her to tell me to think about the problem and solve it myself, but she would help. I want her to always be able to come to me with anything, I want her to be able to talk.

But one thing I would NEVER EVER want, I wouldn’t want her to feel she has to be attached. If she loved me, she would want to be with me. End of Story

That’s what I want in a girl.  I don’t know how I’ll find her, but I know I will.

Think Your This person? DO WE HAVE A JOB FOR YOU!! lol, kidding, but if you think you see someone in my life who does these things, point her out to me, I don’t want her to get away without me trying to keep her.

In short, Love is Love, even if it’s not a romantic love, sometimes the love of many as a friend is enough, it’s enough now, as long as I know someone cares about me.

If you care, then leave a comment or something, or just tell me on email or IM if you care.

If you don’t care about me, but care about this post, then I’m sorry you care about me… deal with it.

If you don’t care about either, Why are you reading this?! Don’t you have some crappy thing to go do? No? Then I pity you.

But more about today: played softball and gained a friend in PE. Debate, hung around supergirl prolly too much, next time I will be better at letting her be (because she wants it) though, because I can play music at the computer so I’ll hang there. Speaking of Which Aubrey can hang there and talk to me (wink wink nudge nudge), a bonus is she also gets to pick the music. Engineering, we’re actually getting the project done. But if I was working AUTO CAD, we’d have been done weeks ago ( Yes I am THAT good). Lunch; listened to music and ate food, and drank some of that vitamin water, the yellow energy one. I WILL NEVER DRINK IT AGAIN!!! Adv Debate, We tried the music thing, and some idiots (*cough* Hailey and Sean *cough*) couldn’t keep quiet. Maybe it’s because Sean wasn’t doing anything… but it’s just a guess.

Best Part of Today: Lunch, I got to be me…. IN SCHOOL ZOMG!!!! I did wonder where i was for a second after putting on music and relaxing.

Worst Part of Today: It was all cloudy and stuff the way i usually like it, and am most happy in. But then it cleared up… all well, you win some you lose some.

Dream On Everyone,

Dom

“Living laugh learning and loving, all of them are things we must learn, and sometimes we hate each one of them in turn. But don’t weep, for tomorrow is another day, and a friend, a lover, or a compainion is waiting on the horizon.”-Dominic Bernamonti, add libbed from today.

I never thought I’d say this, but i hated opening today. There was a rain check 5 minutes before i was to get off, so I ended up working 40 minutes later, ugh!

When i got home form work it was raining and there was thunder and lightning, most people would hence duck their heads and run into the house. I rain to the mailbox to stay in the rain that much longer. GLORIUS! Had it just been a hard rain I’d have gone to lay down in the back yard. But there was lighting and thunder. I just love it when it rains, and i love being outside when it rains.

This got me thinking, most peoples problems are like this thunderstorm, they’re big and they loom over the horizon before they actually get there. Most people run away from it. I say don’t I say run into it, dance in the rain, sing with the thunder. There’s no better way to confront a problem without first running into a rainstorm any time of the day, or running through some sprinklers on a summer night. because it wakes you up and lets you think.

No drama or anythign about Highschool because….guess what? ITS MEMORIAL DAY !!!!

Remember those who have made America the good parts of what it is. Not the advertising and beurocratic bad parts.

http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&vid=2f6d2397-bcf5-481c-8829-c9fbe805967b&playlist=videoByTag:tag:memorial%20day:ns:Gallery:mk:us:vs:1&from=MSNHP&tab=m1211054759222&GT1=42003

Learn about the most Solemn holiday of America. and Remember..

Best Part of Today: The Rain

Worst Part of Today: I was stuck inside through most of it…. .

To Cwess: I’m okay with Tapioca, but i can’t eat it for too long, so therefore fudge rules my soul.

Don’t just Dream On, Live it!

Dom

I got stuck workign redemption again, 12-8, but after i got back from break i got to go run LaserTron (Lasertag, that’s just the company name.) Butit was fun and I got to talk to people a little more than working Arcade or Redemption.

Right now, I’m personally pondering how people can create attachments with other people outside of school. Like this one girl was acting all shy when i was helping her with redemption (She was about my age, and very attractive). When I finished she looked a little sad and hung around her friends anyways, weird huh? My point is most connections or relationships start in either the workplace or school. Not in a recreational place, because usually go you go those places with someone else. Maybe in essense this is where klicks come from. The people you just recreate with.

Here then comes social norms and therefor, most of the problems in Highschool. Your used to YOUR friends and anyone too different is just going to seem weird to you.And thus you’re either afraid of it, or jealous of it. So you make fun of it and people then outcast it.

From That we get labels, the thing most people try to acoid getting done to them, but have no problem doing to themselves. And thus, the hell-hole of Highschool is created.

Best Part of Today: I don’t know nothing was really good or bad, so I’m going to go with LaserTag.

Worst Part of Today: I had to get up before i wanted to.

Tomorrow: I get to open, but! I didn’t have to close tonight!

Song: Love in an Elevator: Aerosmith

Song is actually about makin love in an elevator, but to me especially the chorus it seems like a message to always have fun even during the downturns of your life.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=t4u5om4xihU 

There’s the link to the music and video.

Dream On, and live it up when your goin down!

Dom

PS: To Cwess: Fudge is betta!
      To Aubrey: Get well soon! (She be sikh)
       To Amber: Only 7 more days till you finish with a 4.0 Keep it up! I’m proud of you!
        To Everyone Else: Do something you haven’t done since you where a kid, or really little, remember why you loved it so much. If not, then try something new today!

Crappy day at work. You want to know what happened? First, A friend came to visit me and keep me sane in the dull hours of the night. Second,  got home and a friend said Hi on IM to and listened to me. Thank God for people who care.

I’m starting to get an idea of what i want in a relationship, but nothing big enough of a breakthrough to explain, just know I’m getting there.

I dreamt i fought a guy that looks a bit like one of the managers at work for a girl i didn’t know. But I knew i loved her and he was hurting her. It was weird, i didn’t eat anything weird and I fell asleep thinking about… i forget, a mix of I have to work and about Supergirl. But this girl didn’t look anything like her. I know I haven’t met her yet. I want to say it looked like Rachel from debate but my girl in my ream looked a little different. Maybe it’s only just that, a dream.

I flipped through my book walk this way and found the last note from Supergirl. I read it again, some stuff I’m still processing, others i get exactly where I’m coming from. One of the parts I’m having trouble processing is the part where she thinks she ruined so much for me, and she thinks I haven’t forgiven her, and she hasn’t forgiven herself. If it’s the thing I’m thinking of that ruined anything for me that she did… it was so long ago. I’ve forgiven her for it, the day we talked and cleared things up. It was a tearful day.

From what I gather from that I have a conclusion, but it’s probably the wrong one because 1 it’s late, and i can’t think very wel.  And 2, It doesn’t seem the most real situation, more like the most optimistic to the point of foolishness.

I’m suprised at something, usually it takes me what a couple of weeks at most to get over a girl. So far it’s working on 2 months for her. Tells you something…

But that’s enough on that subject.

I have the Song Love in an Elevator stuck in my head, with bits and peices of Our song and  Dead or Alive stuck in my head.

Love in and Elevator and Dead or Alive are okay, but Our Song I can do with out, cause it’s a love song, and I’ve never really liked more than a few love songs, and it’s on the Boondock’s Playlist so it gets annoying really really fast.

Best Part of Today: The top, Thank you Mandie and Aubrey!

Worst Part of Today: work, hopefulyl the last time in a while though.

Tomorrow: MOAR WORK!!!!1! but other than that i have no idea.

Someone leave a comment! Even if it’s about pudding, I DON’T CARE, would just like to know someone is reading this.

Dom

Everyone has an apology to make to someone, most have multiple, I’d like to get some of mine out of the way.

Supergirl: I apologize for giving you more stress than you needed in your life.

Aubrey: I apologize for ruining some moments that should have been happy ones. And for not being able to comfort you as much as I want to sometimes.

Nicole and Whitni: I apologize for not giving you enough credit as both debators and as friends

 Everyone in Novice Debate: For not telling you guys enough how proud I am of you.

Conner: For not seeking you out as a true friend earlier.

Mandie: A bit of a mix between Nicole and Whitni’s and for not giving you enough credit for this season in Debate, and just helping me with life.

Sean, Matt, and Tim: For pwning you

Everyone else: For any apology you think i should make.

The last one is VERY Diplomatic. But hey apologizing to everyone would take too much time effort, and….effort.

On other peoples apologies, make them, correct the mistakes, move on, you don’t know who you’ll see again, i kind of realized this on seniors last day of school. I don’t get to see Mandie again at school, or Brian, or Kaitlyn, or Bryce, or Shawn or Stefany(sp?). All of them i have great memories.

Of all of them, the most exciting are the time Bryce and Shawn and I went back to our hotel rooms in Whitman when we where supposed to have gone to our Impromptu rounds. We thought the coach was right outside our door and we where dead quite, we managed to sneak back around to the College, but got busted (sort of) anyways. 

My Best was the back of the bus on the way to and from Whitman. I had good Memories with Mandie, Dayton, Kaitlyn, Supergirl, Aubrey, Tim, doug, and Gaites. Can’t say any of them though, lol, but i treasure that entire Whitman Tournament from start to finish.

The funniest was in NFL last year when I really connected with Bryce and Shawn and Kaitlyn. The whole tournament was either laughing with Bryce and Shawn, or working LD(Lincoln Douglass) with Kaitlyn, and being very philosophical.

Since Kaitlyn is staying I’ll have some more memories to create with her, and i believe Mandie is staying around as well. But Bryce and Shawn, Bryce is going to Gonzaga, and Shawn is in the Military. Good Luck to both of you guys, It’s been real.

Year book signing this week I realized how much I ignored everyone but Supergirl, wow. It’s why I’m going back to debate, I can’t leave this! It’s brought me everything, and everyone! I’ll still see most of the people leaving it. I might grow apart from them, but I’ll still respect, admire, and in some cases love the people leaving debate.

Here’s to a good week, a good year, a good season, a good life, and phenominal people all of them.

Dream On Everyone,

Dom

PS I know about Steven, and in something I think he’d say, “Addiction is one badass motherf***in bitch, but you can still beat it if you really want to.” What ever it is Steven, you can get over it. You have to, cause I fi don’t get to see you in concert, I’m going to go to Heaven and kick your ass back down to Earth to hear you!

I mean The Hemmingway Essay, for those who have read or remember. I said I’d post it, be warned, it’s not as great as I thought it would be as I lost the origional and had to write this one last minute, so it’s very…scripted or flat, as opposed to insightful or anything.

It’s about the Young Waiter in “A Clean-Well Lighted Place.”

The Age of “Nada”

It’s closing time again where I work. The few stragglers exit the store but a sad and dejected guy asks if he can stay for five more minutes, I tell him since we still have to clean up he can stay as long as I do. He smiles at this when my manager comes over and tells him to leave with everyone else. Not hearing my explanation, he shows the man to the door and tells me to start closing, because everyone wants to go home.

            This happens to me every Saturday. It’s unbearably sad. But before reading “ A Clean-Well Lighted Place.” I thought my manager was being pretty mean to these people. After reading it, my manager seems to be a lot like the Young Waiter in the Story, they’re both simply caught in the rat race. It makes me think that the Young Waiter in “A Clean-Well Lighted Place” represents the generation of mankind that was born into the material world. He Shows this in his want to close, therefore his indifference to the old man in the story. He’s also “confident”, and indirectly inspires the Old Waiter to his prayer to “nada”.

            If you where the young waiter, would you see yourself as a snobby young man that Hemmingway puts you to be? Not Really. You’d see a man working hard to get as far as he can to provide for his wife and possibly kids, you need a few comforts here and there like everyone. In a way he is a “ ‘materialist’ as critics-have tried to make him” (Benson, 264). Still what is a materialist? And what is the material world anyways? The First answer is the material world is a world in the Rat Race, or the race for the best job to get the best wages to get the best pay. So you can have the best materials in your house.  A materialist is one who does those things. The story even shows that the Young Waiter sympathises with the old man, and if it weren’t so late, he’d let the man stay. But he need to think about taking care of him and his wife first. So He wants to close as early as possible.

            “‘He’ll stay all night,” he said to his colleague. ‘I’m sleepy now. I never get into bed before three o’clock. He should have killed himself last week.’” (Hemmingway). We all know that the Young Waiter wants to close early, and why. He wants to get home to his Wife, he wants a good nights sleep, and he wants to get away from the pessimism of the scene.  Think again from the Young Waiter’s perspective. He’s Tired, he wants to go home to his wife. Why does the Old Waiter want to stay open for an Old man to get drunk? What does it accomplish? The only explanation is for the Old Waiter to pass his own insomnia. That would seem even more selfish than simply closing and giving the old man a chance to think soberly, and not die of alchohol poisoning. The Young Waiter believes in God, and believes God will look after the old man. The Old Waiter needs to worry about himself and let the old man go home, let God help him. The mentality of the rat race is in that, even if it’s a good thought, and you need to look out for yourself First is the number one rule of the Rat Race, you have to have Confidence in yourself.

            Confidence is Self Esteem in Hemmingway’s opinion. Self Esteem is having faith in yourself and knowing you can accomplish what task is given to you. The Young Waiter has this confidence, because he pursues his desire to close the bar, There’s another day to earn more, and to get ahead tomorrow. The Young Waiter is simply confident in his position because of his Wife to ease any loneliness, and a church with the faith he worships for spiritual anxieties or needs. He knows and Loves his Wife, she wouldn’t cheat on him no matter what, and he can talk to her. The Young Waiter can also talk to God through his church if he’s in trouble, he knows where to go. The Old waiter doesn’t have either of these, just his own troubled mind, and his alcohol. In this Way the Old Waiter sees how different he and the Young Waiter are, and loses hope that someone will sympathize with him.

            The Old Waiter is your “Typical Hemmingway Hero [a] man aware-of nada” (Bender, 38). He says his prayer replacing the holy words with nothing and nada. He’s lost hope that the younger generation will restore what he knew when he was young. The irony is that the older generation has always seen the young as the doom of their age, because it’s true. This time the new generation brings the material world with them, which is the doom of the Older Waiter’s generation. The Old Waiter would always think this of the Young Waiter, even if he had let the old man stay, it’s inevitable, the process of life. The Old Waiter has simply lost the confidence the Young Waiter has, through being divorced, have their loved one die, or just find them gone. Without the one person in you life, thoughts of forsaking god can come easily if you don’t get on your feet. The Old Waiter never did, and he poetically accepted his “nothing”.

            The World is now filled with Young Waiters, the older generation is always fading into the past, and a new generation is ready to take over. Like the Baby-boomers today. To Hemmingway The Appocolypse has passed, and we are in the after-world. Before the close of the store, I had a bad thing happen to me, I found a loved one had passed away. I couldn’t dwell on it because I was at work, I mourned later, but got right back on my feet. The Old Waiter couldn’t, the Young Waiter could easily, and he was able to move on without “nada”. It’s bad to dwell in the past. That’s what the rat race, the material world, and the Young Waiter represent.

Have fun reading it… if you want, i didn’t have that much fun writing it anyways, just thought I’d put it up there.

Dream On Everyone,

Dom

To a friend: You gave me something today, something that seemed off, even though I know what it said. I told you I understand, I understand your feelings behind it (for the most part), I understand why you need to be left alone. I understand your focusing on you. I understand you still respect, admire and love me (As friends I presume).

There’s more, but I will wait until you ASK for the rest before i give it to you… or the last day of school, which ever you prefer.

I realize I haven’t posted about me. In truth it was because most of my shell, my bubble if you will, of principles had been shattered when I started this, and now I think my new ones are solid enough to talk about.

Who Am I?

I am a guy who still likes to try to be confident, or try to try the quiet outcast look. But Even More so I love it when I talk to people, and make connections with them.
I can depend on people too much, then turn around and depend on them too little.
I can be pessimistic and optimistic at the same time.
I have more than one best friend, and I love all of them.
I’m secure in the oddest things and places, (The Jacket of death, for those of you at school.)
I don’t spread rumors, but i listen to them sometimes
No matter how hard I try, the ladies-they don’t seem to care (not that I try hard..lol)

Overall I’m a teenage guy testing his boundries, making friends, moving on from relationships i think aren’t good for me, but most importantly trying hard to hold on to the ones that have helped me, (i.e. Brain-senior. Steph(Comp Speech Captain), Kaitlyn.)

I Dream On, then I do it. But we all Dream first, and do second, that’s what makes us human, flawed, but at the same time, beutiful.